I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize