thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
