forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
