I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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