I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
