Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
