i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
