Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
