I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
