Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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