So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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