some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
