The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
