Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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