Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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