Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
