she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My pussy is not your playground.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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