They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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