Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
