Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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