She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
