I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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