After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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