That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize