i may or may not be watching the land before time
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The power of my boobs compel you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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