Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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