Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
