I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
