Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
