How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
