I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
