chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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