There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
