you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
