i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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