did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize