apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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