dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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