as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
