You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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