he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
