I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
