you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
