my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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