I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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