mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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