so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
