it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
