I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
