dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
