You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My breasts were aching with rage.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
