I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Come see our sink grown plant.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
