woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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