I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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