obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
