rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
