You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
