I want to stick my p in your. b.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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