I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize