I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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