I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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