i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone came in the potted fern
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
