but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
