i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
