I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize